Right now, I don’t feel like I know a lot of things very concretely, but at my core I know that I know a few things: (1) I am meant to love my wife. (2) I am meant to be a mother and co-parent to our girls…and, hopefully, to more kiddos in the future (if we can get past this stuff). (3) I have to be true to myself and what I feel in my heart. (4) While I can think of a lot easier paths I could choose right now, to choose one of those would be like denying something so real and true at my core. (5) My purpose is being manifested right here, right now in this moment. I have had a couple (ok several…ok a LOT) of moments this week where I got off track, where my thinking became blurred and my emotions ran high, where I wanted more than anything to numb myself out and shut down. I have definitely had my moments and…looking at it now I can see why. What does one do when there are only 5 things they feel certain about? On a side note…this week, I have felt the love and support of so many people. From friends I have only known for a month, to friends I know have always supported me, to people who I have not spoken to in over a decade. Several people have talked to me about their own experiences of loss – husbands who cheated, wives who chose drugs over their families, dreams that never materialized, the realization that they had walked away from relationships to soon or for wrong motivations because they were not in a place of maturity at the time. All of these conversations have helped me so much. So, here’s what I’m doing: Grieving this loss/Sitting in these feelings – One of the primary things I need to do right now is allow myself to grieve this loss. At first, I shunned that process. How can I stand firm in my love and commitment and really dive into grief? Doesn’t grieving mean I’m giving up? However, I have (thanks in large part to my amazing therapist) come to the realization that I can do both. I am accepting that I can grieve this loss without letting go of my true belief in my love and commitment to my wife and family. I can grieve; I can hurt; I can cry. But it does not mean that I have to change my beliefs. It means that right now I can accept the reality that I have experienced a tremendous loss. So, I am learning to give myself permission to grieve, while still staying true to my feelings. Figuring out who I am and what makes me tick – One thing I think I need to do during this time is spend some real time figuring myself out. I am a hopeless romantic and I have spent the better part of 6 years devoting my life to this woman I love. The reality is…I would do it again in a heartbeat. I truly love loving her. I truly do. But I need to figure out who I am. Honestly, I have set up a no-win situation in my home. My wife needs to be allowed the opportunity to love me for me, and I have never allowed that to happen. I have been a person without expressed needs, a person who is so attentive to the other that my needs are stuffed. I need to take this time to learn who I am, what I need, how to ask for it and, most importantly, how to receive it. The reality is that, at the end of this, I may realize that this relationship is not what I want, but I won’t know until I allow myself to take a good look at me. Being a good parent to my kids – Every time I am in this place, I realize that I am crazy about my kids. I miss them more than I can imagine. My daughter is so quirky…as evidenced by the things I’ve come across in the house since she’s been gone (mismatched socks, empty sugar packets on top of the fridge, drawings, etc.) and I love her dearly for it. She is truly an amazing, beautiful, thoughtful and unique kid. Both of them are a bright spot in my life. I’m gonna spend this time getting to know her better, building her up, enjoying her and letting her know that, no matter what happens with her mom and I, I am and always will consider myself her mom. She has enriched my life in so many ways, and I need to be more intentional about making sure she knows that. Staying present in this moment – The temptation for me right now is to go to a crazy place (I think that’s where I am when things go a little bat shit nuts in my mind), but the reality is that I need to stay completely present in this present moment. The reality is that this has to happen – this moment, this struggle, this time of uncertainty – has to happen to deliver a greater good. I believe that. The problem arises for me when I start trying to anticipate the outcome and predict the future, when I go from “present moment living” to trying to play psychic. The reality is that the outcome is out of my control; the outcome has already been determined. The reality is that I have to stop the human struggle – the attempt to force things to happen the way I want or think they should. I am working (daily…or actually moment-by-moment) to allow my belief in the fact that this is happening for a greater good for both of us, for our family, and for our future together to immerse me in peace.