The Fool

I am continually amazed at the life lessons I have been put here to learn. More often, however, I am amazed at how quickly I forget what those lessons are and, more importantly, how vital they are to my growth as a human being. One of my greatest fears in adult life has been to be made a fool of. There, I said it. I have lived much of my life in anticipation of someone trying to make a fool of me, to doop me, to have the last laugh. I am pretty sure where that came from – a domineering mother whose goal was to make you feel as foolish as possible on a daily basis. As a child, I just took it (and apparently internalized it as a part of who I would never be again). As an adult, it became an intense sense of having to “one up” everyone so that I was not the one left playing the fool. The reality is that I have done some bizarre things - some self-destructive and foolish things – in my quest to never be taken for a fool. Example: Once, when my wife and I were split up, I started a relationship with a very married woman. I could have potentially ruined my marriage and a good friendship all in an attempt to stay on top. My goal in that, if I’m being honest, was to not be made a fool of – to leave, to disengage, to “move on” first, to leave before I was left. Was it what I wanted? No. But it was a very desperate attempt to never be the fool. It was primitive behavior that was the result of fear. I still struggle with that fear. This morning (while ironing my clothes and talking to myself…don’t ask), I was reminded of that life lesson and the insane, primitive things I do to keep from being made the fool. But the reality is, that is one of my lessons: It is okay to be the fool. The alternative is to never risk, never take a chance. That is always an option, but the reality is that option would rob me of the lesson, the growth, and the opportunity to trust myself. When I have done foolish things in the past, or when I have planned my escape (with the “I’ll leave you before you leave me” philosophy), I have actually taken the easy way out. The lesson, the growth, the learning to trust yourself, comes from staying in the moment and risking being the fool. If, at the end of the day, I am wrong then I am wrong. I will pick up and move on and I will be okay. But the reality is that, for me, the growth comes in the risk and I am choosing to risk it now. “A fool in love makes no sense to me. I only think you are a fool if you do not love” Anonymous