Clarity

Today, after a couple of weeks of living hell, I have finally gotten some clarity. I would equate it to an epiphany, actually. All day long I have gotten messages - words, phrases, concepts, numbers even, that pointed to a place of such clarity and understanding. When I figured it out my realizations, my heart felt lighter and it felt as if a giant weight had lifted off my shoulders.

The words I got today...

1. Patience

2. Endurance

3. Grounding

4. Honoring your true feelings

5. Calmness

6. Centering

7. Persistence

8. Present Moment

In my entire life (well, at least the first almost 30 years of it), I was trained to not trust my instinct or my feelings. My "true" feelings were dictated to me by a very controlling person who would do anything to prove that she was right. A few years back, I started developing (slowly but surely) the ability to think for myself and...consequently, to trust my instinct. Why is that significant? Let me tell you...

For the past several years, 2-3 times a year, my partner gets scared. And when she gets scared she runs. I won't get into the "why" or my theories; I will just state the facts. We have had more "breakups" than I can count...some lasting as long as it took for her to get back to her office and call me and some (like this latest) that look and feel like the real thing.

So, how does this tie into trusting my feelings...I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was meant to love this person. I have a confidence about it that I have never (NEVER) felt about anything or anyone else in my entire life. That confidence flows from a place that I cannot even explain or fathom. I know that I always have the choice to leave her, but to do so would be denying a fundamental part of myself and my truth. In a nutshell, this relationship is giving me a crash course in trusting my instinct, even when it's hard...

So, the past few weeks without her have been pure hell. I miss every thing about her (cue the sappy Aerosmith songs...). Every. Thing. I have been in a primitive, cave woman place...lost, scared, frightened, alone, wearing a bone in my nose (not really).

But today I got some clarity. I was in the prime of my craziness...talking to myself, talking to the empty pillow, talking to the cats (who just don't give a DAMN). And then today I was inundated by these messages of clarity for me (see above 1-8). I know what I know what I know. When I lose sight of that, when I try to predict the outcome, when I forget the confidence I have, that is when I go off my rocker. But today reminded me that sometimes I just have to remind myself that I know my truth. That I have done the hard, hard work to be able to be in a place where I can trust my instinct and follow my heart.

So, what am I going to do with this time? I'm going to be realistic, but I'm going to follow my heart. I'm going to spend this time working on myself for ME, on being the best person I can be. I'm going to work on honing that skill of trusting my instinct, of staying true to myself and following my heart. I'm going to stay me --- cause, personally, I think I'm pretty cool. I'm gonna put one foot in front of the other. I'm gonna breathe in...and then breathe out. I'm not gonna shut my heart off, but I am gonna learn to tone my brain down. I not gonna be so cerebral. I'm gonna have shitty days, but them I'm gonna remind myself of: patience, endurance, grounding, honoring your true feelings, calmness, centering, persistence, and present moment.

Peace