Maybe One Day

This morning, I rolled over and said "Babe, it's 6-3-0. Time to get up."

Maybe one day, I won't expect a response and I'll forget that routine.

Today, I realized I still sleep on "my side" of the bed.

Maybe one day I'll feel like spreading out and sleeping in the middle.

Today, I saw your favorite flowers at HEB (tulips and gladiolas - you know it's that time of year)

Maybe one day I'll buy some flowers for the house - "just because"

Today, I had a million experiences I wanted to share with you.

Maybe one day you won't be first person who comes to mind when the meaningful stuff happens.

Today, I went to a softball game with our kid and so wanted our whole family to be there together.

Maybe one day I won't feel like there is such a hole here without you.

Today, I tried to watch one of our "regular shows" and I so wanted you to be there snuggling on the couch with me.

Maybe one day, it won't feel so lonely.

Tonight, I tried to go to bed and found myself talking to the pillow that is in "your spot" in the bed.

Maybe one day I'll realize that that is pointless (and mildly psychotic).

Maybe one day.

But not today.

The Fool

I am continually amazed at the life lessons I have been put here to learn. More often, however, I am amazed at how quickly I forget what those lessons are and, more importantly, how vital they are to my growth as a human being. One of my greatest fears in adult life has been to be made a fool of. There, I said it. I have lived much of my life in anticipation of someone trying to make a fool of me, to doop me, to have the last laugh. I am pretty sure where that came from – a domineering mother whose goal was to make you feel as foolish as possible on a daily basis. As a child, I just took it (and apparently internalized it as a part of who I would never be again). As an adult, it became an intense sense of having to “one up” everyone so that I was not the one left playing the fool. The reality is that I have done some bizarre things - some self-destructive and foolish things – in my quest to never be taken for a fool. Example: Once, when my wife and I were split up, I started a relationship with a very married woman. I could have potentially ruined my marriage and a good friendship all in an attempt to stay on top. My goal in that, if I’m being honest, was to not be made a fool of – to leave, to disengage, to “move on” first, to leave before I was left. Was it what I wanted? No. But it was a very desperate attempt to never be the fool. It was primitive behavior that was the result of fear. I still struggle with that fear. This morning (while ironing my clothes and talking to myself…don’t ask), I was reminded of that life lesson and the insane, primitive things I do to keep from being made the fool. But the reality is, that is one of my lessons: It is okay to be the fool. The alternative is to never risk, never take a chance. That is always an option, but the reality is that option would rob me of the lesson, the growth, and the opportunity to trust myself. When I have done foolish things in the past, or when I have planned my escape (with the “I’ll leave you before you leave me” philosophy), I have actually taken the easy way out. The lesson, the growth, the learning to trust yourself, comes from staying in the moment and risking being the fool. If, at the end of the day, I am wrong then I am wrong. I will pick up and move on and I will be okay. But the reality is that, for me, the growth comes in the risk and I am choosing to risk it now. “A fool in love makes no sense to me. I only think you are a fool if you do not love” Anonymous

Listening to Love

I used to think that “letting go” meant giving up – that if I let go, it meant I was moving on. I am realizing that in my journey this is not the case. Letting go, I believe, means releasing the human tug-of-war and allowing things to happen as they will. The reality is that the outcome is already planned out. I firmly believe that. My struggling with it is not going to change the outcome. But “letting go” and allowing the universe the freedom to work it out will lead to the better. I have allowed myself to spend the last 2+ weeks engaging myself in the human tug-of-war – trying to predict the outcome, worrying about the future, pulling and tugging with all my might. I am laying down my side of the rope. For me, I feel a deep resonance inside me of knowing what that outcome will be, but ultimately it isn’t up to me…it is one of my lessons in this…to allow it instead of forcing it to happen. I know the outcome that I feel is right in my heart and soul, but I need to sit back and trust that the universe is working that out for me. I have been getting messages for the last several days about “visualization” and “higher consciousness” and I believe those are legitimate. Some days (some moments) I find myself questioning my own sanity…wouldn’t it be easier to walk away from this? To get a fresh start somewhere else or with someone else? To give up? But I am learning (and sometimes re-learning) that giving up is not the same as letting go. I refuse to give up – until I receive a sign that I should. And I believe I am in a place emotionally and spiritually where that guidance won’t go unnoticed if/when it comes. So, I have been asking myself why it is so stinkin’ hard. Why are their days where I don’t want to get out of bed? Mornings where I talk to the empty pillow beside me? Nights where I cry myself to sleep? What are the soul lessons I’m supposed to be learning and, frankly, why the hell can’t I learn them and be done with it. But the answer came to me yesterday and I have received a similar message repeatedly since then… “You are listening to love rather than fear.” That resonates with me. I do feel like I am listening to love right now, as scary and terrifying and unknown as it is. I am following my heart. If fear were piloting this ship, I’d have left a long time ago. Fear would have kept my investment and commitment low, my intimacy and connection minimal and my bags packed. When I truly allowed myself to experience and feel love, fear took a backseat. Right now, I am listening to love. So, today I am working on present moment living, on detaching in love, on laying down my side of the rope and allowing the universe to put me where it wills, to listen to love rather than fear. And in this moment, that feels pretty good.

Right now, I don’t feel like I know a lot of things very concretely, but at my core I know that I know a few things: (1) I am meant to love my wife. (2) I am meant to be a mother and co-parent to our girls…and, hopefully, to more kiddos in the future (if we can get past this stuff). (3) I have to be true to myself and what I feel in my heart. (4) While I can think of a lot easier paths I could choose right now, to choose one of those would be like denying something so real and true at my core. (5) My purpose is being manifested right here, right now in this moment. I have had a couple (ok several…ok a LOT) of moments this week where I got off track, where my thinking became blurred and my emotions ran high, where I wanted more than anything to numb myself out and shut down. I have definitely had my moments and…looking at it now I can see why. What does one do when there are only 5 things they feel certain about? On a side note…this week, I have felt the love and support of so many people. From friends I have only known for a month, to friends I know have always supported me, to people who I have not spoken to in over a decade. Several people have talked to me about their own experiences of loss – husbands who cheated, wives who chose drugs over their families, dreams that never materialized, the realization that they had walked away from relationships to soon or for wrong motivations because they were not in a place of maturity at the time. All of these conversations have helped me so much. So, here’s what I’m doing: Grieving this loss/Sitting in these feelings – One of the primary things I need to do right now is allow myself to grieve this loss. At first, I shunned that process. How can I stand firm in my love and commitment and really dive into grief? Doesn’t grieving mean I’m giving up? However, I have (thanks in large part to my amazing therapist) come to the realization that I can do both. I am accepting that I can grieve this loss without letting go of my true belief in my love and commitment to my wife and family. I can grieve; I can hurt; I can cry. But it does not mean that I have to change my beliefs. It means that right now I can accept the reality that I have experienced a tremendous loss. So, I am learning to give myself permission to grieve, while still staying true to my feelings. Figuring out who I am and what makes me tick – One thing I think I need to do during this time is spend some real time figuring myself out. I am a hopeless romantic and I have spent the better part of 6 years devoting my life to this woman I love. The reality is…I would do it again in a heartbeat. I truly love loving her. I truly do. But I need to figure out who I am. Honestly, I have set up a no-win situation in my home. My wife needs to be allowed the opportunity to love me for me, and I have never allowed that to happen. I have been a person without expressed needs, a person who is so attentive to the other that my needs are stuffed. I need to take this time to learn who I am, what I need, how to ask for it and, most importantly, how to receive it. The reality is that, at the end of this, I may realize that this relationship is not what I want, but I won’t know until I allow myself to take a good look at me. Being a good parent to my kids – Every time I am in this place, I realize that I am crazy about my kids. I miss them more than I can imagine. My daughter is so quirky…as evidenced by the things I’ve come across in the house since she’s been gone (mismatched socks, empty sugar packets on top of the fridge, drawings, etc.) and I love her dearly for it. She is truly an amazing, beautiful, thoughtful and unique kid. Both of them are a bright spot in my life. I’m gonna spend this time getting to know her better, building her up, enjoying her and letting her know that, no matter what happens with her mom and I, I am and always will consider myself her mom. She has enriched my life in so many ways, and I need to be more intentional about making sure she knows that. Staying present in this moment – The temptation for me right now is to go to a crazy place (I think that’s where I am when things go a little bat shit nuts in my mind), but the reality is that I need to stay completely present in this present moment. The reality is that this has to happen – this moment, this struggle, this time of uncertainty – has to happen to deliver a greater good. I believe that. The problem arises for me when I start trying to anticipate the outcome and predict the future, when I go from “present moment living” to trying to play psychic. The reality is that the outcome is out of my control; the outcome has already been determined. The reality is that I have to stop the human struggle – the attempt to force things to happen the way I want or think they should. I am working (daily…or actually moment-by-moment) to allow my belief in the fact that this is happening for a greater good for both of us, for our family, and for our future together to immerse me in peace.

Clarity

Today, after a couple of weeks of living hell, I have finally gotten some clarity. I would equate it to an epiphany, actually. All day long I have gotten messages - words, phrases, concepts, numbers even, that pointed to a place of such clarity and understanding. When I figured it out my realizations, my heart felt lighter and it felt as if a giant weight had lifted off my shoulders.

The words I got today...

1. Patience

2. Endurance

3. Grounding

4. Honoring your true feelings

5. Calmness

6. Centering

7. Persistence

8. Present Moment

In my entire life (well, at least the first almost 30 years of it), I was trained to not trust my instinct or my feelings. My "true" feelings were dictated to me by a very controlling person who would do anything to prove that she was right. A few years back, I started developing (slowly but surely) the ability to think for myself and...consequently, to trust my instinct. Why is that significant? Let me tell you...

For the past several years, 2-3 times a year, my partner gets scared. And when she gets scared she runs. I won't get into the "why" or my theories; I will just state the facts. We have had more "breakups" than I can count...some lasting as long as it took for her to get back to her office and call me and some (like this latest) that look and feel like the real thing.

So, how does this tie into trusting my feelings...I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was meant to love this person. I have a confidence about it that I have never (NEVER) felt about anything or anyone else in my entire life. That confidence flows from a place that I cannot even explain or fathom. I know that I always have the choice to leave her, but to do so would be denying a fundamental part of myself and my truth. In a nutshell, this relationship is giving me a crash course in trusting my instinct, even when it's hard...

So, the past few weeks without her have been pure hell. I miss every thing about her (cue the sappy Aerosmith songs...). Every. Thing. I have been in a primitive, cave woman place...lost, scared, frightened, alone, wearing a bone in my nose (not really).

But today I got some clarity. I was in the prime of my craziness...talking to myself, talking to the empty pillow, talking to the cats (who just don't give a DAMN). And then today I was inundated by these messages of clarity for me (see above 1-8). I know what I know what I know. When I lose sight of that, when I try to predict the outcome, when I forget the confidence I have, that is when I go off my rocker. But today reminded me that sometimes I just have to remind myself that I know my truth. That I have done the hard, hard work to be able to be in a place where I can trust my instinct and follow my heart.

So, what am I going to do with this time? I'm going to be realistic, but I'm going to follow my heart. I'm going to spend this time working on myself for ME, on being the best person I can be. I'm going to work on honing that skill of trusting my instinct, of staying true to myself and following my heart. I'm going to stay me --- cause, personally, I think I'm pretty cool. I'm gonna put one foot in front of the other. I'm gonna breathe in...and then breathe out. I'm not gonna shut my heart off, but I am gonna learn to tone my brain down. I not gonna be so cerebral. I'm gonna have shitty days, but them I'm gonna remind myself of: patience, endurance, grounding, honoring your true feelings, calmness, centering, persistence, and present moment.

Peace